Day 18 - Infantitis

I spent the better part of my afternoon talking to my friend Jen about how the hell people afford to have kids. "You just work it out," she'd say.

"But how?" I'd lament, citing an average cost of $300 per week for infant daycare, the cost of diapers, skyrocketing insurance premiums, just for starters.

"You re-prioritize what's important," she said. "There are so many things that seem like necessities when you're not a parent. You find out pretty quickly, that's not the case."

On the other side of the screen, I grunted. I also bristled at the notion that I don't know the difference between a want and a need. I mean, I manage our finances and I've been doing a lot of reading, learning and shuffling things around so that we're in the best possible financial situation.

"How much do you guys bring home after taxes?" she asked. And thus began the long, hard and often times painful examination of where our money goes. This should not have been difficult since I have been hyperfocused on this in the weeks since the wedding. I'm throwing every possible cent towards becoming totally debt free, to the point that at times, it feels really uncomfortable. We run through the absolute basics - rent, car payment, car insurance, gas, utilities, groceries. I discover that I'd be left with enough to cover daycare and still have a whopping $140 left at the end of the month.

"Too tight!" I said, panicked. I should note that I am not even, in fact, pregnant. I am nowhere near it. Suffice it to say, however, that the idea of being that tight financially sent me into full blown anxiety attack mode. We re-ran the numbers a bunch of different ways and with different scenarios: no debt; a mortgage with no other debt; some car and personal loan debt but no credit cards. The numbers began to ease up a bit and I started to go from blue to beige and all seemed right with the world. "I think we can do this," I finally admitted. "But let's be clear. I am not ready."

On my way home, I thought more about it. I don't sleep in anyway, I thought. Clearly, it's more than that. You have to be truly ready to give up a certain amount of freedom. Certainly not all of it, but it does require sacrifice, even for the very rich who don't come up with $140 left at the end of the month. We love to take off on weekends and just drive. We love to have the extra money to party and see our favorite DJs when they come to town (or ya know, within about 8 hours of Boston). I, for one, love manicures and pedicures. We also love having a clutter free house.

"How was your day," he asked me when I got home from work. He was still laying on the couch, leg elevated and iced.

"Very stressful."

"Why?"

"I started running the numbers to see if we can have kids."

"What? I thought we were buying a house first."

"We are, but you know me. I'm The Planner. I don't even want to entertain it if we can't do it."

"Kids are expensive."

"I know. I ran the numbers."

"We can't afford them."

"That's what I thought too. Turns out that we can. Assuming I have complete control over both of our incomes since I had to factor your income to make it work and it was really, really, like uncomfortably tight."

"Well what kind of time frame are you thinking," he asked.

"If we're able to buy a house next year, then how about the year after that? That gives us time to get used to being married, then some time to get adjusted to being in a house and then we can take the plunge. I mean, like, the real one. I mean, if we're going to do this, we really need to try before I turn 35. That would mean trying between 33-34. What do you think?"

He took a deep breath, obviously relieved that I didn't mean that we should meet with Boston IVF next week. "I think that sounds perfect."

"I mean," I said, "I'm totally fine with not having kids too."

"So am I. They're expensive."

"Yeah, I said to Jen 'if it came down to $1200/month for daycare for 18 months or having that same almost $22K in my savings account, I'd rather have the money'."

"Shit. Me too."

Later that evening, I stopped by Nic's place to drop off some dessert I'd made. We started chatting about the day's conversations and she confirmed that yes, kids are expensive. Yes, you do have to sacrifice. And that yes, she wasn't ready when she had her daughter either, but you adapt.

"You totally have Sierra-itis," she said, referring to her daughter.

"No I don't." I protested.

"You do too. I saw how you were looking at The New Husband on Sunday when he was watching her and playing with her."

Ugh. Clearly, I still haven't mastered the art of Mask Face - you know, not wearing your emotions on your face. I finally relented, "You're right. He'd make a great dad. Did you see how great he handled her being fussy and stuff? Poor thing, I hope those teeth come through soon."

I have a fierce case of Infant-itis.

And with that, I admitted defeat and went home.